Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
