alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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