found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
