I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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