I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
You dont lie about slip and slides
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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