Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
