just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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