Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
