Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I have grass duct taped all over my body
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
