i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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