At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize