You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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