I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
