Got a toothbrush?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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