I wish my penis had an off switch
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
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