My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just pee around me
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
