I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
