I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
sarcasm needs its own font
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
