you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
