Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
i need some magic done to my vagina
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize