Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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