i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Ketchup is God's man juice
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
