Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
