In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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