Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
