I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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