How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
