Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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