Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
