i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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