I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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