when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
