My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
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