hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
