My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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