Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
