I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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