i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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