just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
