last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
