at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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