i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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