yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
