I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
