Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I think I just sharted jello shots
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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