Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
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