Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
