I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Your penis caused this!
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
