pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
