She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
