My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
