Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need to stop coming to work sober
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize