So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
