I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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