Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Pants are for mortals
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Randomize
