I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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