Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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