mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
