you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
You've changed since you got that strap on
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
