Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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