His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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