Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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