Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Randomize
