I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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